Moving Towards and Through
An Update After a Period of Silence
I haven’t written in a while. It’s not like I haven’t tried. Currently, there are 19 saved drafts that I’m “working on.” Most of them are just a few lines, then abandoned.
I’ve felt stuck for a few months, and I couldn’t really figure out why. There is no shortage of things for me to write about, so content isn’t the problem.
Neither is motivation. I’m super excited to write more and one of my goals on my life bucket list is to write a book.
It was only recently that I figured out the culprit, and I’m embarrassed to say that it was so obvious because it’s always the same offender: ego.
Specifically, I wanted my writing to be popular (cue Ariana Grande in Wicked)
I wanted to travel the country speaking about my writing.
I wanted to have thousands of subscribers.
I wanted my book to be a bestseller.
What I didn’t realize was that in the background, there was a fight happening. An epic battle between ego and integrity. One that was equally fought until I stopped feeding the ego. It lost strength, withered, and waved the white flag.
Integrity won. Not because it was stronger, per se, but because when I was acting in my integrity, I felt joy. I felt flow. I felt free to write.
When I was driven by ego, I felt pressure. I felt fear. I felt confined by expectations.
So I’m giving up my desire to be popular. Instead, I am writing, primarily, for me. But I am also writing in hopes that you, the reader, will also be seen and heard and understood.
And it’s a good thing I’m not trying to be popular because, it seems, that what I’m writing about is unpopular. Even taboo. Perhaps stigmatized in some circles.
I suspect that my writing will never become mainstream and that’s a good thing. In order for something to be mainstream, it must be palatable to the masses. And in a way, that means that it becomes palatable to white supremacy culture:
It lacks nuance (either/or thinking).
It demonizes an “other” (individualism).
It offers quick fixes (sense of urgency).
It oversimplifies extremely complex things (objectivity).
It argues that it has found THE solution/answer (one right way).
It becomes doctrine that is subsequently weaponized, whether intentional or not (worship of the written word).
In a general sense, it appeals to the lizard brain rather than the holistic person (mind, body, emotion, spirituality).
My writing aims to avoid all of these traps in an effort to get to the heart of the matter. The core of the onion. The roots below the surface.
However, I will inevitably fall into the traps and if I don’t hold myself accountable, then I hope you, the reader, feels empowered to call me in.
With that, I’d like to talk about a) why my writing will be unpopular and b) the specific focus of my writing moving forward.
I suppose this acts as a sort of warning label for my writing. I do want you feel it fair to be properly informed about the potential stigmatization, ostracization, and scrutiny that may come with reading my work or being affiliated with my work. I personally have already dealt with my fair share of slaps on the wrist and harsh rebukes just by mentioning or being curious about the content of my writing. And maybe you’ve encountered this, too.
I don’t mean to scare you and it’s entirely possible that I’m being dramatic (maybe, in a way, to feed my ego that what I’m writing about is so “important” that it garners a lot of attention, albeit negative attention). Regardless, I’d like to name some things that I suspect will make my writing unpopular:
It’s likely that my writing will be perceived to be “centering whiteness,” specifically centering white feelings.
My writing will be through the lens of psychology and root cause analysis, meaning that much of what I’ll write about will focus on unconscious and implicit dynamics. This will inevitably mean that my “answers” will not offer any quick or easy answers, nor comforting closure.
I will name problematic patterns and norms among social activism groups that I believe contribute to the deepening of shame for white folks.
My writing invites a compassionate understanding of the experiences and inner dynamics that white people navigate as they engage in racial justice work.
For much of this, my writing—and, by extension, me—will likely raise criticisms for putting the needs of white people ahead of the needs of marginalized populations. On the surface, doing so is very problematic. White supremacy has prioritized the needs of white-bodied folks ever since its existence, resulting in hundreds of years of oppression, violence, death, robbery, and erasure of marginalized populations, namely Indigenous tribes and Black Americans.
For the next several posts, I will be diving into each of the above numbered “reasons my writing will be unpopular” as an exercise that will hopefully accomplish a few things:
Personally, it is a way I can name my fears of rejection and ostracization as a means to go toward the fears, not run from them. These fears are also a major psychological barrier for my writing. I’ve found that I get more courage when I face my fears rather than avoid them. Something of a theme that will come up throughout my writing.
Admittedly, I am justifying my writing and giving myself permission to write by providing explanations and caveats. As I’ve already said, there is a everpresent feeling of tabooness (is that a word?) on this topic. Some of it is real (I have both observed and been on the receiving end of people have expressed their concern and criticism) and some of it is perceived (it’s shame doing its thing; trying to make me stay quiet and isolate). This may look like ego protection—and no doubt a part of it is—but it’s also a way for me to heal shame real-time by not letting it silence me.
Finally, and most importantly, it’s critical that I provide as much context and explanation as a can for writing about this topic. I likely don’t need to tell you how delicate and emotionally charged the topic of racism is. Add to that the fact that I am a white, cis-gendered, heterosexual, middle-class, able-bodied person writing about it, so I really want to write with care and caution. I carry with me quite a bit of bias coming from being socialized as white and cisgender male. I can’t—and never will—claim to know what’s best for the racial justice movement and I will certainly never say what’s best for marginalized people. What I will do is offer my contribution to the cause, speaking on a topic that I believe is buzzing in the undercurrents of many white folks’ minds, but rarely—if ever—surfacing to be seen and examined in the light of day. My intention is to keep my focus solely on what I do know a little about: being a white person doing anti-racism work.
I will leave it there, with plenty more to come. My next post will be about how my writing will likely be perceived as centering whiteness, and breaking down the nuance and complexity that comes with that.
Stay tuned and thanks for being here.